Who Do I Hate? --> Myself

i really hate myself for allowing my mind to wander around again... not the first time this happen, but the feeling this time round is so much greater than before... *sigh* guess this might have something to do with the songs that i have been listening to recently...

kept on thinking about yj... i dont know why im still feeling this way... its been like what 6mths and i still haven gotten over her... i admit, this wound will take some time to heal, but dont you think it doesnt seem to be healing at all? i want to run away, but running away wont solve the problem... but the thing is i dont have the slightest clue as to how to solve it... im still hurting inside...

people say that if you love a person, you dont have to be with that person... just knowing that he/she is happy is good enough for you... but when i see how happy her life is right now, i cant help but feel jealous and helpless... its not in my business to care anymore, but i just feel so uncomfortable about it... after all we spent 3 years together...

somewhere in my mind is telling me that i want to keep the promise i made to her that night... to wait for her... to wait for the one chance that things might go back to the way it once was... but somewhere else inside of me knows that im just deceiving myself... i guess i know that it is not possible for us to get back together anymore... its just waste of my time to wait for her... she wont appreciate or look back any longer...

right from the start, i have not blamed her or anyone else for the split... i only blamed myself for the not being able to become the person she hoped i would be... i blamed myself for letting the guy have a chance to know her and i blamed myself for not seeing it earlier... i only blame myself and hate no one but myself... thats what im feeling right now...

with the upcoming bbq, i was thinking if i should invite her as well... at least to show that we are still frenz... but then, some of my close frenz tell me that its not a good idea to do so... to avoid unnecessary questions and embarassments for the both of us, which actually is true...

ever since we split, i have not had the chance to see her in person... part of me doesnt want to see her especially so if she's with him, but part of me wants to be able to see her to see how she is getting on with life... i really am envious of joanna and raymond... even though they have already split for more than 1 year, they still are able to exist as frenz, going out together, having meals together, catching a movie together... i just dont know why i cant do that...

i really hate myself for being the useless person that i am now................

Wait For You - Elliott Yamin

Wait For You - Elliott Yamin



[Verse 1]
I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]
So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]
It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that(no more)
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]
Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]
So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afriad of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

[Chorus]
Baby I will wait for you
you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

Some Meaningful Words In A Song

been listening to a chinese song recently and i really find that the lyrics are so true... so true that it seems to apply to me...

多少眼泪都无所谓
我闭上眼睛不能入睡
只希望你给我一些安慰

(translation)
it doesnt matter how many tears are shed
just that when i close my eyes and cant fall aslp
i wished you could give me some comfort


这些眼泪我无所谓
真心的对待最珍贵
我回头想起爱情的甜美
永远不后悔

(translation)
all these tears it doesnt matter
whats most valuable is being true to you

-=====**=====-

I Think I Have Given Up

i think i have given up any hope of getting to know her... been 2-3weeks since the orientation, and we have only talked on msn once and for like 5min or so, and thats all the conversation that we have had... i would think she has forgotten who am i already... people tell me to wait till sch starts before finding a chance to talk to her in school... but the problem is that since the lectures are not fixed, the chances of us attending the same lectures would be very slim and the since we are able to choose which days for which lectures, there would be days when we would not have to go back to school... besides, even if i do see her in school, with my character, i would not dare to approach her and talk to her, so whats the point... i might as well just give up right here, right now...........

A Meaningful Quote

"If you feel lonely, that's because there's someone out there whom you love"

LeAnn Rimes - Can't Fight The Moonlight

What Is This Feeling?

have any of you ever experienced what im feeling right now? or at least what i think im feeling at the moment? have any of you have ever developed weird feelings after meeting a girl for the first time in your life, and even though you have never spoken to her, but you know her name and her contact, and yet fail to contact her? you dont know if she remembers you and you dont know if you should contact her... but you keep thinking of her, and you feel like she is someone who is special?

i met this girl during my university freshmen orientation day... she was in my orientation group (OG)... even though we did have an ice-breaker and some games, we didnt really get to talk to each other... the most we talked was just 1 or 2 sentences... I really wanted to get to know her, but i didnt get a chance to, or should i say i didnt have the courage to do so... the lucky thing was that my OG leader requested that we write down our msn contacts as well as our contact no., so that she could consolidate, type it out and email to all of us, which we all did... from that first day, i couldnt wait to receive that email and add her to my msn list... the list only came on the second night... i added her immediately but after several days, she still hasnt added me... its either she didnt want to accept or didnt have a chance to accept it yet... i kept wishing that it was the latter... i waited and waited... during these days, i kept wondering if i should just send her an sms instead, but my friends were saying that it might just scare her, so i decided to leave it as it is... one night, i finally saw her on msn... i was quite excited, but i didnt managed to talk to her much again... she's on holz in taiwan... that was 3days back... she's back in Singapore, but now she's at the freshmen orientation camp which i am not able to attend due to other commitments...

i have not talked to her since that night, and to tell the truth, i dont know what are the chances of me getting a chance to know her better... she gives me the feeling that she is someone different from the other girls that i havfe met and she leaves a special feeling on me... something that i cant explain... has anyone felt like this before?

the other thing is that im not sure if im ready to start to even think about getting into another relationship again...

Rob Thomas - Little Wonders

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

i find this theme song from Meet The Robinsons to be very meaningful and true... i think those who have watched this show would understand what i mean... for those who haven, take time to watch this MV and you will get the idea of what its about ;)

*eNjOy*

Forgetting A Love

Why is it so hard to forget a love that is already over? So many people in the world break up and have problems trying to forget the one they love... Is it because they have fallen to deep into it, or is it because they have put in everything only to see it break apart after all the effort, or is it because they cant find a reason to forget...

i know how it feels because i have been through this before and im still on this path... my friends around me are also suffering from being unable to forget the one they love after the split... a fren of mine broke up with his gf last month after being together for 9months, and when he learnt that she is about to get together with another guy after less than a month, he is totally in shock... he cant believe that his ex-girlfriend managed to find another guy within a month... another fren of mine, she has already split with her ex-boyfriend for almost 9months, but until now she still cant forget him... as for me, its almost 5months since we split and she has found a new love, but i still cant forget my ex...

despite all the things that we have done to try to forget the past, i realised that the harder that we try to forget, the harder it is for us to forget... learning to live with the pain might actually prove to be more useful than trying to forget... accepting the fact that it is over, might actually help us to move on in life... it may not be easy since talking is easier than taking action, but if we do not give it a try to move on, we will forever be stuck in that situation... take a chance to move on and we may find that moving on is not that hard after all... when u learn to fall in love again, u will be able to forget about the past and start looking towards the future...

How Inconsiderate Can People Be?

cant slp so i happened to remember about some things that i encountered during the course of the day's events

on the way to my aunt's house this morning, i was on the train taking a rest when loud music woke me up... i opened my eyes, looked up and saw a group of teenagers blasting music from their handphone without considering for a fact that there were actually lots of people who were trying to rest and there were also people who were reading up on their notes as well as people who were trying to make conversation with their loved ones... if they really wana listen to music, shouldnt they use the earpiece that was given to them? or if they really want to blast their music, they should do it at their own privacy isnt it?

when i came back from the airport earlier, i spotted a lady who i think lived in the same block as me was walking out of the lobby with her pet dog... she stopped just outside the lobby and allowed her dog to excrete on the pavement just like that... as if it wasnt bad enough that she had to do it on the walking pavement, she didnt bother to clean up after her dog was done, leaving the excretion on the pavement... what if some unlucky passer-by happened to walk past and step on it... damn inconsiderate i think... i dont think she would want the same thing to happen to her...

splitting up with one's loved is already bad enough, but to have friends who take pleasure in teasing u about it just makes it worse doesn't it... Inconsiderate comments can cause a lot of problems between friends... shouldnt people think about the consequences first before shooting their mouth off to avoid any unpleasant encounters? you dont kick a person when he is already down...

Love

has anyone wondered what does the word L.O.V.E really means... i seriously doubt that anyone really knows its meaning and what it really represents... so many types of love exist in the world that we live in... love between siblings, love between parents and children, love between friends, love between a couple etc...

i would think that love between couples is the one that many people yearn to grasp hold onto, but many fail in the end... who can say that they know all that there is to know about love... who can say that they have experienced all that there is to experience about love... i feel that no one can say for sure that they are better to give advice to others in love matters... true, u may say that a particular person may have gone through more relationships than others... his love experience is indeed more, but have u ever wondered that everyone is different, so how can u say for sure that u know what other people are thinking or feeling... you may advice ppl on how to behave, but you can nv tell anyone who to love or how to love... that is all up to the individual...

many people gets confused between the words love and infatuation... the famous "Love at first sight", to me, it doesnt exist... the more appropriate words should be "Infatuation at first sight"... i dont believe that one can love another just by seeing them for the first time in their lives... its more of an infatuation whereby you are drawn towards that person... this is purely based on looks, but love is actually more that just looks isnt it... its a combination of looks and inner beauty... whats the point of loving someone who looks good but has an ugly personality... many people who decide that they are in love with someone just because they look good, the relationship usually dont last... u need to really understand the person, get to know their personality and character before deciding if he or she is the right person for you... at least this is what i feel...

sometimes, i really admire those who dare to chase after the love that belongs to them based on their feelings instead of using a rational mind to analyse before acting on it... these are the people who are willing to risk their everything for the one person they love... but then again, too much feelings might end up being the one thing that will scar them forever...

in a relationship, the feelings must be mutual... it wont work out if one party is willing to put in the effort to maintain and sustain the relationship, where the other party is the one just taking everything for granted... in the long run, it wont be healthy for the relationship... both parties must be willing to give and take...

how many people can say that they have found the true love of their life... the one person who is the guy or girl of their dreams... that they are equipped with all the characteristics and criteria of their dream guy/girl... that they are the one that they want to spend the rest of their lives with...

to me, i dont believe in true love anymore... in this materialistic world, love is no longer what it means compared to the past... maybe its because of a failed relationship, or maybe i just haven met the one for me, but this is what i believe in right at this point of time... love now is just overrated...

Cycle of Love

"there is a time when after you split u work with ur heart, then after this there is a time when ur feeling starts to become rational, then after rational, there's always a new love"

-a fren-

Nv Knew Blogging Would Bring New Friends

i always thought that blogging was meant for people to narrate their lives, or for them to have a place to bitch about the uncertainties in life... but never would i expect that by blogging, we could connect with people whose lives are similar to us, who could relate to us... i received an email from some lady who chanced upon my blog, and was in a similar predicament as me... i wouldnt say more about it lest i intrude on her privacy, but lets keep it as im glad that she is willing to share her experience...

hopefully, as time goes by, i will get to know more ppl from different parts of the world, and it would be good if we can move on to being friends...

*ch33rs*

Going Crazy

while i was at Jalan Kayu having supper earlier, flashbacks from the past just entered my head... i thought of the time after the Flesh Imp event at Zouk where me, yj, ariane and khairi went to Jalan Kayu for supper... even though it was not the same seat, i still could remember what we ordered and what we talked about... all the laugher and fun we had... then when kel n co were talking about their experiences taking taxis, i thought of the incident during New Year's Day where i was at andrew's house, and yj was supposed to join me at his place after her work... n she had alot of trouble with the taxi and she ended up going back home after much deliberation... all these thoughts just led to more and more thoughts of the times we spent together...

why cant happy times last? will things return to the same?

maybe the next time i go to Jalan Kayu to have a meal, there will be someone else having the meal with me...

seriously speaking... im still looking for a way to let go of things, to forget the past... until then, the past will still be living within me...

its weird that me n eileen can still be talking to each other like nothing has happened before after the split, since many say that once a couple split, its very difficult to be friends... the both of us are behaving just like we were before we got together, very good friends... i guess we never really put in the effort or we didnt exactly see each other as a couple in the first place i guess... to me, this is a good thing... its better to have a friend than a stranger in life...

What Kind Of A Friend

Imagine u are out with a group of frenz... jz chilling out when a sec fren msgs u to meet up with her for a drink... ur frenz assumes ur fren will be joining them together to chill out... and ur frenz doesnt mind going for a drink... would u sudenly leave with ur other fren to go for a drink and just leave the rest of ur frenz who have been waiting for u alone???

something to think about heh...

Im Still Thinking Of Her

for the past few days, i have been thinking about alot of things... about my life, about my new school term and mostly about her... its been 5mths since we split... i dont know if that is considered a long time to forget someone or is it a short period of time... i always thought that when i find someone else to love, to show my attention to, i will be able to forget the previous relationship... but apparently, thats not the case... no point in carrying on a relationship that i cant give my everything to... no point trying to pretend that i love her more than the previous her... in the beginning, i thought that i could forget and that i truly am ready to start a new relationship... but i guess im not ready for a new relationship... i can only say im sorry to eileen, whom i thought could help me forget yj... sorry for giving you false hopes...

something struck me today, something i nv really thought of until today... i realised that being in love may not be a good thing... i agree that when one is in love, everything is so sweet... u wouldnt want to be apart from the one u love... but when the relationship turns sour, and both split their ways, the pain n suffering is not something that everyone can handle... is the joy n happiness worth the pain n suffering at the end of a relationship? like many people say, the deeper u are involved in a relationship, the worse the pain is felt... i guess that applies to me now... when i think about whether i will have the courage to truly fall in love again, that is something i will never know... but weighing the joy against the pain, i dont think its worthwhile... just like the lyrics in Someday We'll Know, 'True love is once in a lifetime'... how true is that i dont know...

i feel silly, not because i dont think i want to be in a relationship again, but becaues part of me wants to wait for her... part of me still believes that we will get back together, so no matter how long it takes i will still be waiting... that's silly huh... i really dont know... many people will tell me to just forget about her and move on in life just as she has... i know that, and im trying to... its just that part of me that still believes... believe me, im finding ways to keep myself occupied so as not to think about her...

u know how i felt when i first realised that everything was a lie? yea... im still feeling it, if not stronger... i dont know if hatred is a good word for it, or maybe indignant is a better word... i dont hate yj, and i dont think im qualified to hate anybody, but its just the feeling that im unable to find a word for it... im using it as a motivation for me to push myself to make things good... just like my msn nick says, i never knew i could hate for so long... i guess this will pull me through my uni education, knowing that in order to compete, i need to have results...

some people are lucky that they have people they can talk to... for me, i dont know how to tell others what im feeling and pray that they understand... but the truth is, not many people can understand... they can try, but unless they are the ones involved, they can never fully grasp it... i guess thats why i can only blog to let it out, not for people to understand, but for me to let it out...

Some Day We'll Know

MANDY MOORE
"Someday We'll Know"

(feat. Jonathan Foreman)


{Mandy} Ninety miles outside your cargo
Can’t stop driving I don’t know why
My question....Need an answer
Two years later your still on my mine

{Jonathan} Whatever happened to Amelia Airheart?
Who hold the stars up in the sky?
True love is once in a lifetime

{Both} Did the captain of Titanic cry?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
{Mandy} If love can move over mountains
{Both} Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Why the sky is blue
{Both} Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you...

{Mandy} Does anybody know the way to romantic?
{Jonathan} What the wind says when she cries?
{Mandy} I’m speeding by the place that I met you

{Both} For the ninety-seventh time...Tonight

Someday we’ll know
{Mandy} If love can move over mountains
{Both} Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Why the sky is blue
{Both} Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Was in those lilacs
{Both} One day I know
{Mandy} Dancing all in blue
{Both} Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

{Both} Open up the world

{Mandy} I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow

{Jonathan} Watched the stars crash into the sea

{Mandy} If I can ask God just one question

{Both} Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} If love can move over mountains
{Both} Someday we’ll know
{Mandy} Why the sky is blue
{Both} Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Was in those lilacs
{Both} One day I know
{Mandy} Dancing all in blue
{Both} Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

Feeling Lost

hmmz... i cant help but feel lost all of a sudden... so far im having a reasonably good time... being able to do things at my own time, not having to worry about how my partner will feel, and being able to spend on myself, are things that im finally able to do... maybe its something "new", so thats why i feel a little weird, like something is missing in my life... maybe i will find the answer to it, and i wont feel this way again...

whatever the case is, i will live my life the way i want my life to be... and not how others want me to live my life... this is me...