Im Still Thinking Of Her

for the past few days, i have been thinking about alot of things... about my life, about my new school term and mostly about her... its been 5mths since we split... i dont know if that is considered a long time to forget someone or is it a short period of time... i always thought that when i find someone else to love, to show my attention to, i will be able to forget the previous relationship... but apparently, thats not the case... no point in carrying on a relationship that i cant give my everything to... no point trying to pretend that i love her more than the previous her... in the beginning, i thought that i could forget and that i truly am ready to start a new relationship... but i guess im not ready for a new relationship... i can only say im sorry to eileen, whom i thought could help me forget yj... sorry for giving you false hopes...

something struck me today, something i nv really thought of until today... i realised that being in love may not be a good thing... i agree that when one is in love, everything is so sweet... u wouldnt want to be apart from the one u love... but when the relationship turns sour, and both split their ways, the pain n suffering is not something that everyone can handle... is the joy n happiness worth the pain n suffering at the end of a relationship? like many people say, the deeper u are involved in a relationship, the worse the pain is felt... i guess that applies to me now... when i think about whether i will have the courage to truly fall in love again, that is something i will never know... but weighing the joy against the pain, i dont think its worthwhile... just like the lyrics in Someday We'll Know, 'True love is once in a lifetime'... how true is that i dont know...

i feel silly, not because i dont think i want to be in a relationship again, but becaues part of me wants to wait for her... part of me still believes that we will get back together, so no matter how long it takes i will still be waiting... that's silly huh... i really dont know... many people will tell me to just forget about her and move on in life just as she has... i know that, and im trying to... its just that part of me that still believes... believe me, im finding ways to keep myself occupied so as not to think about her...

u know how i felt when i first realised that everything was a lie? yea... im still feeling it, if not stronger... i dont know if hatred is a good word for it, or maybe indignant is a better word... i dont hate yj, and i dont think im qualified to hate anybody, but its just the feeling that im unable to find a word for it... im using it as a motivation for me to push myself to make things good... just like my msn nick says, i never knew i could hate for so long... i guess this will pull me through my uni education, knowing that in order to compete, i need to have results...

some people are lucky that they have people they can talk to... for me, i dont know how to tell others what im feeling and pray that they understand... but the truth is, not many people can understand... they can try, but unless they are the ones involved, they can never fully grasp it... i guess thats why i can only blog to let it out, not for people to understand, but for me to let it out...