i really hate myself for allowing my mind to wander around again... not the first time this happen, but the feeling this time round is so much greater than before... *sigh* guess this might have something to do with the songs that i have been listening to recently...
kept on thinking about yj... i dont know why im still feeling this way... its been like what 6mths and i still haven gotten over her... i admit, this wound will take some time to heal, but dont you think it doesnt seem to be healing at all? i want to run away, but running away wont solve the problem... but the thing is i dont have the slightest clue as to how to solve it... im still hurting inside...
people say that if you love a person, you dont have to be with that person... just knowing that he/she is happy is good enough for you... but when i see how happy her life is right now, i cant help but feel jealous and helpless... its not in my business to care anymore, but i just feel so uncomfortable about it... after all we spent 3 years together...
somewhere in my mind is telling me that i want to keep the promise i made to her that night... to wait for her... to wait for the one chance that things might go back to the way it once was... but somewhere else inside of me knows that im just deceiving myself... i guess i know that it is not possible for us to get back together anymore... its just waste of my time to wait for her... she wont appreciate or look back any longer...
right from the start, i have not blamed her or anyone else for the split... i only blamed myself for the not being able to become the person she hoped i would be... i blamed myself for letting the guy have a chance to know her and i blamed myself for not seeing it earlier... i only blame myself and hate no one but myself... thats what im feeling right now...
with the upcoming bbq, i was thinking if i should invite her as well... at least to show that we are still frenz... but then, some of my close frenz tell me that its not a good idea to do so... to avoid unnecessary questions and embarassments for the both of us, which actually is true...
ever since we split, i have not had the chance to see her in person... part of me doesnt want to see her especially so if she's with him, but part of me wants to be able to see her to see how she is getting on with life... i really am envious of joanna and raymond... even though they have already split for more than 1 year, they still are able to exist as frenz, going out together, having meals together, catching a movie together... i just dont know why i cant do that...
i really hate myself for being the useless person that i am now................
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