New Address

hey :) i've decided to change to wordpress after much deliberation... to continue viewing please view http://lonez.wordpress.com/ .. thX :)

Should Promises Be Kept?

should promises made be kept no matter what?

Pretending To Be Someone We Are Not

caught "I Now Pronounce You, Chuck and Larry" last night with 2 friends... there was one phase which really caught my attention: "Its hard to pretend to be someone we aren't"... isn't it tiring and difficult to try and be someone that we are not? if it is, then why is it so many of us keep on trying to be someone we are not day after day, time after time...

we always try to be the person that people want us to be... ever since that day, i have not been myself... been miserable and too many problems kept appearing, and i had to keep on fighting against what i really felt, but im so tired of it... im so tired of having to keep pretending to be the person im not... im really tired... im mentally and physically exhausted... can i take a break from all this? will i be able to be myself once again?

I Dont Believe Anymore.........................

If you believe in it, then it is there...
If you dont believe in it, then it isn't there...
Unfortunately I no longer believe in it.............................

Trouble? Problematic? Complicated?

seems like i always fall for those who are trouble, problematic and complicated to say the least... at least, thats what most of my friends tell me... somehow they always have these bare characteristics... *sigh*

I Guess........................

I guess the movie date isnt going to happen... lets just take it that i never asked and drop the whole idea... not going to end up anywhere...

Way Back Into Love - Hugh Grant

Movie: Music and Lyrics
Artist: Hugh Grant
Song: Way Back Into Love

(Feat. Haley Bennett)

Haley:
I've been living with a shadow over head
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
trapped in the past, I just cant seem to move on

Hugh:
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
Ive been sitting aside time,to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

Chorus
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love

Haley:
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
Ive been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that its out there
Theres got to be something for my soul somewhere

Hugh:
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody to get me through the night
I could use some direction, and I'm open to your suggestions

Chorus
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to again
I guess I'm hopin' you'll be there for me in the end

Haley:
There are moments that I don't know if its real
or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

Chorus
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to again
I guess I'm hopin' you'll be there for me in the end

Bogged Down by SO MANY Stuff

recently so many things have been happening and i haven yet have time to really sit down and think about it...

zouk was a memorable night, but i think something did happen on that night but i not sure what it was... maybe thats why things are like this now... but then again, i could be thinking too much again... how is it that things can seem to take a sudden twist, or am i thinking too much also... after so many attempts at relationships, i just want to give it a rest already... im too tired and i really dont want to feel the same way that i did the last time and i dont want to keep getting the wrong signal anymore... i get too emotional... and thats something i want to get out of... when i first thought of the nick Lonezstar, it was because i knew what it meant and i always thought that its true... and look what its proven... can i just drop the whole idea and just stop myself from falling again? lets see if anything happens during these few days before i decide on anything... from there i shal see how to proceed...

i think i have said this many times before... I MISS MY OLD SELF!!! THE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME!!! THE ONE WHO NO MATTER WHAT WILL WEAR A SMILE ON HIS FACE!!! THE ONE WHO WILL NEVER LOSE HIS COOL!!! I WANT MY OLD SELF BACK!!! is it too much to ask??????

when i see my frenz feeling down, i cant help but feel the same for them and i end up making myself miserable as well... especially when i see my close friends getting bogged down my r/s problems, by sch work, by work at the office etc... sometimes i wish there was more that i could do... but all i can do is try to understand what they are going through and offer some words of comfort...

im now stuck with considering if i should really work or should i just concentrate on my studies... i really need the cash but im also scared that my studies will be affected... there's no one in my fam who is able to help me with my current course... and the rest are just too busy and i dont feel like bothering them since it has nothing to do with them...

i really need some time to clear my thoughts and sort things out once and for all... hopefully the old me will be back soon... hopefully.....................

M00dy m00dY m00D M00d

feeling so moody now... wanted to go out just now with some friends, but at the last moment when everything was confirm, i decided not to go and opted to stay at home instead... *sigh* whats happening to me again? zZzZzZzZzzzz...

these past 3 days i have been doing some thinking... i still cant figure out if she has good feelings towards me or not... i keep getting mixed feelings about it, and the advice given by close friends are also different from one another... i know i should look into my heart and decide if she's really interested or not, but i just cant put a finger to it... *sigh again*

haven seen her online for the past 3nights... i miss talking to her on msn... i wish i could talk to her on the phone or sms her... but i just cant think of an excuse to start a conversation =( hopefully will get to see online or go out together soon bahx...

Jesse McCartney - Just So You Know

Just So You Know - Jesse Mccartney



I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:] J
ust so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around,
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]
This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here
[Chorus]

A Chance?

well... i never thought i would be happy to see a friend breakup, but when i heard from her that she has already broken up with her boyfriend last night, i was pretty much over the moon... it immediately lifted up my mood... maybe everything isnt too late after all... and furthermore, she ask me if im free to accompany her go club... i was like "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"... damn happy i say... but there was one problem, i dont like clubbing... i dont hate it, but i just dont like to club... too noisy and very difficult to talk... but then for her sake and for my sake, after much deliberation i decided to go after finding a fren to go with me... haha...

yea... so im back home from zouk... was pretty ok cept for the fact that it was full house and practically everyone was squeezing for space and no one really had space to dance... we didnt get a chance to dance as well... anyway, sent her home right to her door step if u can call it that, den took a cab home myself...

i dont know if i stand a chance or not... sometimes she gives a positive feeling like asking me to accompany her club when we haven gone out together before... and sometimes she gives me a negative feeling, something like being cold... im also not very sure... but she could be like what my friend told me, she's the super friendly type... i also dont know

I Guess This Would Be The End

well i suppose this is the end of another wishful thinking story on my part... i thought that everything was going so smoothly... so wonderful, but i should have known better... happiness doesnt last for me... so this will teach me not to hope for anything and to not believe in it =)

Jesse McCartney: Why Don't You Kiss Her

JESSE MCCARTNEY
"Why Don't You Kiss Her"



Were the best of friends
And we share our secrets
She knows everything that is on my mind
But lately somethings changed
As I lie awake in my bed
A voice here inside my head
Softly says

Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
Cuz she'll never know
If you never show
The way u feel inside

Oh im so afraid to make that first move
Just a touch and we
Could cross the line
And everytime she's near
I wanna never let her go
Confess to her what my heart knows
Hold her close

Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
Cuz she'll never know
If you never show
The way u feel inside

What would she say
I wonder would she just turn away
Or would she promise me
That she's here to stay
It hurts me to wait
I keep asking myself

Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
Cuz she'll never know
If you never show
The way u feel inside

Why don't you kiss her (tell her you love her)
Why don't u tell her (tell her you need her)
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
Cuz she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside...

Happy Happy

been awhile since i felt some happiness in my life... yep yep... im feeling better today... or should i say im pretty happy today =pPp well... my blog cant possibly be only unhappiness and nothing else right? heheh..

everything that i was hoping for today went better than expected... from the time of studying to the point of going home and to the point of chatting on msn... hopefully things will continue to go right... i will post more details when the time is ripe ;)

Turning Unhappiness into Joy

read something from the Newpaper today and found it rather interesting... thought i would share it with you all:

Anyone can be happy. Happiness is a skill that can be taught and learnt.
The first thing we can do is to change the way we think.
We blame our unhappiness on other people or outside things or events.
In reality, our subconsious ways of thinking or interpreting things create our upsets.
Unhappiness is a largely self-inflicted agony.
An identical event - for example, cancer - happening to two people, can trigger completely different responses from them.
One may be unable to accept such an unfair affliction and become stuck in resentment, fear and helplessness.
The other may see cancer as a very common occurence which also happened to her. She proceeds to handle its treatment in a calm, intelligent manner. She sees the enforced down-time as an opportunity to play mahjong - a game she loves but never has the time for.
How could one person be struck in bitterness and powerlessness and another sees cancer as an opportunity for enjoyment.
It is not what happens to us that makes us unhappy, but how we interpret what happened that causes unhappiness.
The actions we take can make the difference between surviving and growing from a challenge or being killed by it.
Without our being aware of it, our minds are incessantly analysing, judging, interpreting and making meanings about everything and everyone we encounter in our lives.
Our ceaseless meaning-making is always unconscious and too frequently, our assumptions and conclusions create stress, unhappiness, fear and powerlessness in us.
The quality and content of our lives today have been created from those millions of unconscious meanings we made about everything. Changing our thoughts ultimately changes our lives.
Study after study confirms that happy people live healthier and longer lives than unhappy ones.
Happiness is not a luxury to be enjoyed only when all the circumstances in our lives are perfect - it is fundamental to our quality of life, health and longevity now.
The second path to happiness lies in changing our personal world - to create the work, activities, relationships, experiences and things which bring us joy, peace of mind, purpose and success.
When we pour our greatest creativity, energy, enthusiasm and love into doing what we enjoy and are passionate about, the ideal conditions for success and fulfilment are right there.

-Wong Chia Siew

Flipping Thru The Old Stuff

i was tidying up my room as it was pretty much in a mess... it was plain to see that there wasnt any place for me to store my new notes... so a thorough clean up was in order... while sorting out some of the stuff, i chanced upon several items...

one of which was a photo album containing the photos me and yj took together for the 3 years that we were together... memories started to flood my mind as i flipped through the pages... all the places that we went together, all the happy times we had, all the funny faces we made, and all the time we spent... i really missed the times...

another item of which is actually a collection of the cards and letters that me n yj wrote to each other... among which were birthday cards, valentine's day cards as well as other letters... as i read through the contents, i could feel the love that we had at that particular point of time...

there were also the presents that she made and stuff that she bought for me... i can understand all the effort that she made to give those gifts... i really do...

after seeing these stuff, i realised how much i missed her... i missed hearing her voice, i missed talking to her even if its on msn, and how i wish i could tell her how much she still means to me even at this point of time... somehow i still cant bear to face her, even if it means just chatting to her on msn... i suppose its because i have yet to get over her...

if someone were to ask me now, if there's anyone new in my life... my answer will be "No"... if someone were to ask me, is there anyone new that you love, my answer will again be "No"... but if someone were to ask me, do u still love yj, my answer would be "Yes"... i think that answers everything doesnt it?

My Horoscope for this Week

Aquarius
[Jan 21 - Feb 19]

You still seem to be hankering after something from long ago. Nostalgia and sentimentality are good things, but don't forget that the past is gone and that the future is bearing down on you rapidly.

--------------------------------------------------

this week's horoscope seems so true for me... keep thinking of the past, wanting something that i can no longer have... should i let it go? but its easier said than done i suppose... whats the future that's quickly bearing down on me also? i wish i knew..............

1st Lady - Never Be Replaced

not quite the MV but at least this has the lyrics and is quite nice

Westlife - Fool Again

another classic song by Westlife ;)

Westlife - My Love

a classic song =)

Friends

i believe that no one in this world can say that they are without friends... some of us have lots of friends while some of us have few friends... it doesnt matter how many friends one have, but its the quality of the friends that counts... when i say quality, i actually mean true friends... friends that will stick with you no matter what happens... friends that will always be there for you, to listen to your problems, your sorrows and friends that will share your happiness with... friends are more than just people you hang out with, go chilling with, shopping with, chatting with etc...

to a certain extend, its easy to make new friends... after meeting once, he/she/they become your new-found friend(s)... but how many of them will be able to be one that you are able to confide in ... how many of them will be able to earn your absolute trust to tell them things that you never think of telling others, and maybe even your family members...

there are no right or wrong ways in which a friend should behave towards another one, as people have different personalities... however the basic attitude that friends should have towards one another should be relatively similar... one thing for certain, friends should be true to another... no point being friends if u cant even be truthful to one another...

as friends we should consistently show care and concern for each other... otherwise, whats the point in being friends? maybe different people have different ways of showing care and concern for their friends, but sometimes it doesnt hurt to be more open about it would it?

close friends arent determined by how long the friendship has been but how much they have been through together... a friend of 1 yr can be closer than a friend of 10yrs...

friends are precious and are almost a neccesasity in life for everyone... no one can live without friends... so please treasure all your friends around you and dont be afraid to show how much you care for them...

Im Still Feeling Frustrated

damn it... im still feeling frustrated as the past few days had been... i seriously dont like the way im feeling right now... i dont know what would be the right word or words to use to describe how im feeling exactly right now, all that i can say is im feeling edgy, frustrated and pissed off at the moment... dont ask me why im feeling this way, cause i dont have a clue at all... i need to sort out my feelings asap and straightened out my life...

2 Little Stories

2 stories for u to read and think about...

there was this boy, he was always struggling with his math subject in his school, almost all the result that he got from his exams were FAIL or BARELY PASS. After Months of Hard Work and advice he got from his tutor, he finally got and 75/100, that may not be a fantastic result, but that was nonetheless a Good result.
He went back home happily, looking for his mum, the moment his mum saw him and knew that the boy got his result that day, she said: " You must have failed again". The boy determined to prove his mum about her mistake, was expecting a apologize from her and a hug from her to encourage him. He took out his result slip to show his mum, but her mum said: "OK, Not BAD", and continued watching the t.v programme.


Sometimes, Life is SAD. Sad in a funny way, because you know that although you are surrounded with friend and family, but they do not really look into you, they will not get truly sad when you get sad, or they do not really get happy when you get happy.
Are they your friends/family? I am SURE they are.
But they may be really just too tired to put too much attention into you, or they are too engage into other people/activities/work/game/themselves.


*eNjOy*

Im Suffocating

i dont know what's going on with me recently... i seem to be on a pretty thin fuse, and i feel so stressed up inside of me if i can call it that... seems to be storing alot of stuff in me, not wanting to let others know... not even those im especially close with... maybe these are times when people say "there are things in life where u have to handle on your own"... maybe these are issues that i have to undertake myself, and no one else is able to help me with...

blogging would seem to be a good way for me to let things out without having to repeat or tell anyone else... i dont need anyone's sympathy and i for damn sure do not need anyone to pity me for what im going through...

a fren recently pointed out a cold hard truth to me... something that i hate to admit, but i guess its true... she said "since when have u become so pessismistic..." when i come to think of it, i used to look on the bright side of things... no matter how glum the situation may seem like, im always able to find a way to look at it from another angle... but ever since then, i dare not hope for much... i dare not even think of looking at it from another view... after seeing something so full of hope burst like a bubble right in my face, how can i convince myself that it wont happen again?

im gona fight my battles alone.................................

Im Damn Pissed !!!

i took the effort and limited resources that i have to organise a freaking bbq for my frenz (army, poly, sec) and end up what do i get? i get **** up attitude and a pissed off time of bbq... can you imagine that peopl who volunteer to help u out by coming earlier, tell u at the last minute that they cant make it, or they dont even bother to inform you that they will be late or cant even make it at all? giving lame excuses doesnt exactly help to appease the situation as well...

i think some people really think that we owe them something... after eating, they dont even bother to help to clear up... i had to clear up the whole area until the end where some people helped me out... grateful to those who helped me out there ;) to those who 'kindly' offered to help out when there was nothing left to clear, go figure...

if u ppl think that just because i have a car, im obliged to drive u ppl around, please think about it again... im not ur chauffeur...

sometimes, people dont realise that it is their small actions that turn people off... maybe they are too insensitive to realise it, but i must say there is a limit to it...

maybe im too frustrated and irritated right now, thats why im feeling so pissed off... not to mention the toothache that im having right now... hopefully tml will be fine... but then, i want to thank those who came and did help out... thanks alot =)

Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Do You Remember?

do you remember what u said when i told u i find this song very meaningful and very nice?

do you remember telling me that you dont want to listen to this song because it brings back bad memories for you?

then, do you know this is what im feeling right now?

BB Mak - Ghost Of You And Me

What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I cant let go
When will this night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
And one of them is mine
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

I Wasted Another Chance Again -.-"

met her in school today after one of my lectures... saw her walking in my direction with a fren of hers... as she walked closer, i had the urge to walk up and say hi, but when i saw she was with a fren, i didnt dare to say hi... i felt kinda awkward if i did say hi... so it was like i said, she only remembers my name but not who i am... =( sad case dont you think... so far out of three lectures, she's in none of the classes as me and tomorrow is the last one... so if i dont see her tomorrow in class, that means both of us have totally different time slots... sorry to disappoint those who had hopes that i would be able to do something about it...

Who Do I Hate? --> Myself

i really hate myself for allowing my mind to wander around again... not the first time this happen, but the feeling this time round is so much greater than before... *sigh* guess this might have something to do with the songs that i have been listening to recently...

kept on thinking about yj... i dont know why im still feeling this way... its been like what 6mths and i still haven gotten over her... i admit, this wound will take some time to heal, but dont you think it doesnt seem to be healing at all? i want to run away, but running away wont solve the problem... but the thing is i dont have the slightest clue as to how to solve it... im still hurting inside...

people say that if you love a person, you dont have to be with that person... just knowing that he/she is happy is good enough for you... but when i see how happy her life is right now, i cant help but feel jealous and helpless... its not in my business to care anymore, but i just feel so uncomfortable about it... after all we spent 3 years together...

somewhere in my mind is telling me that i want to keep the promise i made to her that night... to wait for her... to wait for the one chance that things might go back to the way it once was... but somewhere else inside of me knows that im just deceiving myself... i guess i know that it is not possible for us to get back together anymore... its just waste of my time to wait for her... she wont appreciate or look back any longer...

right from the start, i have not blamed her or anyone else for the split... i only blamed myself for the not being able to become the person she hoped i would be... i blamed myself for letting the guy have a chance to know her and i blamed myself for not seeing it earlier... i only blame myself and hate no one but myself... thats what im feeling right now...

with the upcoming bbq, i was thinking if i should invite her as well... at least to show that we are still frenz... but then, some of my close frenz tell me that its not a good idea to do so... to avoid unnecessary questions and embarassments for the both of us, which actually is true...

ever since we split, i have not had the chance to see her in person... part of me doesnt want to see her especially so if she's with him, but part of me wants to be able to see her to see how she is getting on with life... i really am envious of joanna and raymond... even though they have already split for more than 1 year, they still are able to exist as frenz, going out together, having meals together, catching a movie together... i just dont know why i cant do that...

i really hate myself for being the useless person that i am now................

Wait For You - Elliott Yamin

Wait For You - Elliott Yamin



[Verse 1]
I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]
So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]
It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that(no more)
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]
Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]
So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afriad of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

[Chorus]
Baby I will wait for you
you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

Some Meaningful Words In A Song

been listening to a chinese song recently and i really find that the lyrics are so true... so true that it seems to apply to me...

多少眼泪都无所谓
我闭上眼睛不能入睡
只希望你给我一些安慰

(translation)
it doesnt matter how many tears are shed
just that when i close my eyes and cant fall aslp
i wished you could give me some comfort


这些眼泪我无所谓
真心的对待最珍贵
我回头想起爱情的甜美
永远不后悔

(translation)
all these tears it doesnt matter
whats most valuable is being true to you

-=====**=====-

I Think I Have Given Up

i think i have given up any hope of getting to know her... been 2-3weeks since the orientation, and we have only talked on msn once and for like 5min or so, and thats all the conversation that we have had... i would think she has forgotten who am i already... people tell me to wait till sch starts before finding a chance to talk to her in school... but the problem is that since the lectures are not fixed, the chances of us attending the same lectures would be very slim and the since we are able to choose which days for which lectures, there would be days when we would not have to go back to school... besides, even if i do see her in school, with my character, i would not dare to approach her and talk to her, so whats the point... i might as well just give up right here, right now...........

A Meaningful Quote

"If you feel lonely, that's because there's someone out there whom you love"

LeAnn Rimes - Can't Fight The Moonlight

What Is This Feeling?

have any of you ever experienced what im feeling right now? or at least what i think im feeling at the moment? have any of you have ever developed weird feelings after meeting a girl for the first time in your life, and even though you have never spoken to her, but you know her name and her contact, and yet fail to contact her? you dont know if she remembers you and you dont know if you should contact her... but you keep thinking of her, and you feel like she is someone who is special?

i met this girl during my university freshmen orientation day... she was in my orientation group (OG)... even though we did have an ice-breaker and some games, we didnt really get to talk to each other... the most we talked was just 1 or 2 sentences... I really wanted to get to know her, but i didnt get a chance to, or should i say i didnt have the courage to do so... the lucky thing was that my OG leader requested that we write down our msn contacts as well as our contact no., so that she could consolidate, type it out and email to all of us, which we all did... from that first day, i couldnt wait to receive that email and add her to my msn list... the list only came on the second night... i added her immediately but after several days, she still hasnt added me... its either she didnt want to accept or didnt have a chance to accept it yet... i kept wishing that it was the latter... i waited and waited... during these days, i kept wondering if i should just send her an sms instead, but my friends were saying that it might just scare her, so i decided to leave it as it is... one night, i finally saw her on msn... i was quite excited, but i didnt managed to talk to her much again... she's on holz in taiwan... that was 3days back... she's back in Singapore, but now she's at the freshmen orientation camp which i am not able to attend due to other commitments...

i have not talked to her since that night, and to tell the truth, i dont know what are the chances of me getting a chance to know her better... she gives me the feeling that she is someone different from the other girls that i havfe met and she leaves a special feeling on me... something that i cant explain... has anyone felt like this before?

the other thing is that im not sure if im ready to start to even think about getting into another relationship again...

Rob Thomas - Little Wonders

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

i find this theme song from Meet The Robinsons to be very meaningful and true... i think those who have watched this show would understand what i mean... for those who haven, take time to watch this MV and you will get the idea of what its about ;)

*eNjOy*

Forgetting A Love

Why is it so hard to forget a love that is already over? So many people in the world break up and have problems trying to forget the one they love... Is it because they have fallen to deep into it, or is it because they have put in everything only to see it break apart after all the effort, or is it because they cant find a reason to forget...

i know how it feels because i have been through this before and im still on this path... my friends around me are also suffering from being unable to forget the one they love after the split... a fren of mine broke up with his gf last month after being together for 9months, and when he learnt that she is about to get together with another guy after less than a month, he is totally in shock... he cant believe that his ex-girlfriend managed to find another guy within a month... another fren of mine, she has already split with her ex-boyfriend for almost 9months, but until now she still cant forget him... as for me, its almost 5months since we split and she has found a new love, but i still cant forget my ex...

despite all the things that we have done to try to forget the past, i realised that the harder that we try to forget, the harder it is for us to forget... learning to live with the pain might actually prove to be more useful than trying to forget... accepting the fact that it is over, might actually help us to move on in life... it may not be easy since talking is easier than taking action, but if we do not give it a try to move on, we will forever be stuck in that situation... take a chance to move on and we may find that moving on is not that hard after all... when u learn to fall in love again, u will be able to forget about the past and start looking towards the future...

How Inconsiderate Can People Be?

cant slp so i happened to remember about some things that i encountered during the course of the day's events

on the way to my aunt's house this morning, i was on the train taking a rest when loud music woke me up... i opened my eyes, looked up and saw a group of teenagers blasting music from their handphone without considering for a fact that there were actually lots of people who were trying to rest and there were also people who were reading up on their notes as well as people who were trying to make conversation with their loved ones... if they really wana listen to music, shouldnt they use the earpiece that was given to them? or if they really want to blast their music, they should do it at their own privacy isnt it?

when i came back from the airport earlier, i spotted a lady who i think lived in the same block as me was walking out of the lobby with her pet dog... she stopped just outside the lobby and allowed her dog to excrete on the pavement just like that... as if it wasnt bad enough that she had to do it on the walking pavement, she didnt bother to clean up after her dog was done, leaving the excretion on the pavement... what if some unlucky passer-by happened to walk past and step on it... damn inconsiderate i think... i dont think she would want the same thing to happen to her...

splitting up with one's loved is already bad enough, but to have friends who take pleasure in teasing u about it just makes it worse doesn't it... Inconsiderate comments can cause a lot of problems between friends... shouldnt people think about the consequences first before shooting their mouth off to avoid any unpleasant encounters? you dont kick a person when he is already down...

Love

has anyone wondered what does the word L.O.V.E really means... i seriously doubt that anyone really knows its meaning and what it really represents... so many types of love exist in the world that we live in... love between siblings, love between parents and children, love between friends, love between a couple etc...

i would think that love between couples is the one that many people yearn to grasp hold onto, but many fail in the end... who can say that they know all that there is to know about love... who can say that they have experienced all that there is to experience about love... i feel that no one can say for sure that they are better to give advice to others in love matters... true, u may say that a particular person may have gone through more relationships than others... his love experience is indeed more, but have u ever wondered that everyone is different, so how can u say for sure that u know what other people are thinking or feeling... you may advice ppl on how to behave, but you can nv tell anyone who to love or how to love... that is all up to the individual...

many people gets confused between the words love and infatuation... the famous "Love at first sight", to me, it doesnt exist... the more appropriate words should be "Infatuation at first sight"... i dont believe that one can love another just by seeing them for the first time in their lives... its more of an infatuation whereby you are drawn towards that person... this is purely based on looks, but love is actually more that just looks isnt it... its a combination of looks and inner beauty... whats the point of loving someone who looks good but has an ugly personality... many people who decide that they are in love with someone just because they look good, the relationship usually dont last... u need to really understand the person, get to know their personality and character before deciding if he or she is the right person for you... at least this is what i feel...

sometimes, i really admire those who dare to chase after the love that belongs to them based on their feelings instead of using a rational mind to analyse before acting on it... these are the people who are willing to risk their everything for the one person they love... but then again, too much feelings might end up being the one thing that will scar them forever...

in a relationship, the feelings must be mutual... it wont work out if one party is willing to put in the effort to maintain and sustain the relationship, where the other party is the one just taking everything for granted... in the long run, it wont be healthy for the relationship... both parties must be willing to give and take...

how many people can say that they have found the true love of their life... the one person who is the guy or girl of their dreams... that they are equipped with all the characteristics and criteria of their dream guy/girl... that they are the one that they want to spend the rest of their lives with...

to me, i dont believe in true love anymore... in this materialistic world, love is no longer what it means compared to the past... maybe its because of a failed relationship, or maybe i just haven met the one for me, but this is what i believe in right at this point of time... love now is just overrated...

Cycle of Love

"there is a time when after you split u work with ur heart, then after this there is a time when ur feeling starts to become rational, then after rational, there's always a new love"

-a fren-

Nv Knew Blogging Would Bring New Friends

i always thought that blogging was meant for people to narrate their lives, or for them to have a place to bitch about the uncertainties in life... but never would i expect that by blogging, we could connect with people whose lives are similar to us, who could relate to us... i received an email from some lady who chanced upon my blog, and was in a similar predicament as me... i wouldnt say more about it lest i intrude on her privacy, but lets keep it as im glad that she is willing to share her experience...

hopefully, as time goes by, i will get to know more ppl from different parts of the world, and it would be good if we can move on to being friends...

*ch33rs*

Going Crazy

while i was at Jalan Kayu having supper earlier, flashbacks from the past just entered my head... i thought of the time after the Flesh Imp event at Zouk where me, yj, ariane and khairi went to Jalan Kayu for supper... even though it was not the same seat, i still could remember what we ordered and what we talked about... all the laugher and fun we had... then when kel n co were talking about their experiences taking taxis, i thought of the incident during New Year's Day where i was at andrew's house, and yj was supposed to join me at his place after her work... n she had alot of trouble with the taxi and she ended up going back home after much deliberation... all these thoughts just led to more and more thoughts of the times we spent together...

why cant happy times last? will things return to the same?

maybe the next time i go to Jalan Kayu to have a meal, there will be someone else having the meal with me...

seriously speaking... im still looking for a way to let go of things, to forget the past... until then, the past will still be living within me...

its weird that me n eileen can still be talking to each other like nothing has happened before after the split, since many say that once a couple split, its very difficult to be friends... the both of us are behaving just like we were before we got together, very good friends... i guess we never really put in the effort or we didnt exactly see each other as a couple in the first place i guess... to me, this is a good thing... its better to have a friend than a stranger in life...

What Kind Of A Friend

Imagine u are out with a group of frenz... jz chilling out when a sec fren msgs u to meet up with her for a drink... ur frenz assumes ur fren will be joining them together to chill out... and ur frenz doesnt mind going for a drink... would u sudenly leave with ur other fren to go for a drink and just leave the rest of ur frenz who have been waiting for u alone???

something to think about heh...

Im Still Thinking Of Her

for the past few days, i have been thinking about alot of things... about my life, about my new school term and mostly about her... its been 5mths since we split... i dont know if that is considered a long time to forget someone or is it a short period of time... i always thought that when i find someone else to love, to show my attention to, i will be able to forget the previous relationship... but apparently, thats not the case... no point in carrying on a relationship that i cant give my everything to... no point trying to pretend that i love her more than the previous her... in the beginning, i thought that i could forget and that i truly am ready to start a new relationship... but i guess im not ready for a new relationship... i can only say im sorry to eileen, whom i thought could help me forget yj... sorry for giving you false hopes...

something struck me today, something i nv really thought of until today... i realised that being in love may not be a good thing... i agree that when one is in love, everything is so sweet... u wouldnt want to be apart from the one u love... but when the relationship turns sour, and both split their ways, the pain n suffering is not something that everyone can handle... is the joy n happiness worth the pain n suffering at the end of a relationship? like many people say, the deeper u are involved in a relationship, the worse the pain is felt... i guess that applies to me now... when i think about whether i will have the courage to truly fall in love again, that is something i will never know... but weighing the joy against the pain, i dont think its worthwhile... just like the lyrics in Someday We'll Know, 'True love is once in a lifetime'... how true is that i dont know...

i feel silly, not because i dont think i want to be in a relationship again, but becaues part of me wants to wait for her... part of me still believes that we will get back together, so no matter how long it takes i will still be waiting... that's silly huh... i really dont know... many people will tell me to just forget about her and move on in life just as she has... i know that, and im trying to... its just that part of me that still believes... believe me, im finding ways to keep myself occupied so as not to think about her...

u know how i felt when i first realised that everything was a lie? yea... im still feeling it, if not stronger... i dont know if hatred is a good word for it, or maybe indignant is a better word... i dont hate yj, and i dont think im qualified to hate anybody, but its just the feeling that im unable to find a word for it... im using it as a motivation for me to push myself to make things good... just like my msn nick says, i never knew i could hate for so long... i guess this will pull me through my uni education, knowing that in order to compete, i need to have results...

some people are lucky that they have people they can talk to... for me, i dont know how to tell others what im feeling and pray that they understand... but the truth is, not many people can understand... they can try, but unless they are the ones involved, they can never fully grasp it... i guess thats why i can only blog to let it out, not for people to understand, but for me to let it out...

Some Day We'll Know

MANDY MOORE
"Someday We'll Know"

(feat. Jonathan Foreman)


{Mandy} Ninety miles outside your cargo
Can’t stop driving I don’t know why
My question....Need an answer
Two years later your still on my mine

{Jonathan} Whatever happened to Amelia Airheart?
Who hold the stars up in the sky?
True love is once in a lifetime

{Both} Did the captain of Titanic cry?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
{Mandy} If love can move over mountains
{Both} Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Why the sky is blue
{Both} Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you...

{Mandy} Does anybody know the way to romantic?
{Jonathan} What the wind says when she cries?
{Mandy} I’m speeding by the place that I met you

{Both} For the ninety-seventh time...Tonight

Someday we’ll know
{Mandy} If love can move over mountains
{Both} Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Why the sky is blue
{Both} Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Was in those lilacs
{Both} One day I know
{Mandy} Dancing all in blue
{Both} Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

{Both} Open up the world

{Mandy} I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow

{Jonathan} Watched the stars crash into the sea

{Mandy} If I can ask God just one question

{Both} Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} If love can move over mountains
{Both} Someday we’ll know
{Mandy} Why the sky is blue
{Both} Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
{Jonathan} Was in those lilacs
{Both} One day I know
{Mandy} Dancing all in blue
{Both} Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

Feeling Lost

hmmz... i cant help but feel lost all of a sudden... so far im having a reasonably good time... being able to do things at my own time, not having to worry about how my partner will feel, and being able to spend on myself, are things that im finally able to do... maybe its something "new", so thats why i feel a little weird, like something is missing in my life... maybe i will find the answer to it, and i wont feel this way again...

whatever the case is, i will live my life the way i want my life to be... and not how others want me to live my life... this is me...

It's Over

at last, its over... the issue has been settled... i no longer have to feel guilty or feel bad about it... and i no longer have to spend my time thinking if its the right thing to do... yep... its over between me n eileen... i feel that this would be the best course of action for us now... we arent meant for each other... its over not because we have too many problems, but we just arent made for each other... she's different from me in many aspects... should have seen it earlier, but at least it isnt too late...

for now im going to enjoy my new found freedom... singlehood ;)

How True

was having a drink with seng the other day, and we were talking about our lives... suddenly, we started to hum some tunes... he then told me something about the different types of singing... basically there are 3 types of singing...

the first type is whereby people sing purely for the fun of it... these are the peopl who meet up with frenz to go singing, be it at home, or to singing lounges...

the second type is people who join singing competitions, and try to mimic the original singers in order to score points with the judges and the audiences...

but no matter how nice it may seem to be, nothing beats the third type of singing... and that is singing from the heart, singing with their feelings totally into the words... these are the people who really know what they are singing, as though the lyrics of the songs are what their lives have been, or even what they are going through at the moment... they are the ones who can bring out the best in the songs, even if they are not great singers...

Life is a Mess

my life right now is a mess...

im clearing off and leave, but there's nothing much for me to do... tot could find 1-2 days kind of jobs to do, to kill time as well as to earn some cash, but cant find any yet... and i dont even know whether i will be able to clear my leave/off in peace, all the way till i ord... keep getting calls from ppl in camp asking me this and that... just feel so irritated...

i used to think that i should be ok studying accounts and finance... didnt seem too difficult when i first decided on it... now that i looked through some of the modules, i realised that it is not as simple as it seems... im now having doubts about my ability to cope with it... will it be a disaster just like my biotech? but i know no matter how hard it is, i will be able to do well, because im motivated, driven by a reason to do well...

i always thought that in order for me to forget someone is to fall in love with someone else, only then will i be able to let go off the past... but i realised that its not true at all... after the previous relationship, i fell in love with another girl, or so i thought... i thought that she will help me forget the previous relationship, but its not happening... for the past few weeks, i have been thinking if its because i still cant let go of the past, or she's not the one for me... i have been thinking if the best option for us now is to break out, since the time we have been together is not very long... but, its not fair to her as i was the one who wanted it in the first place... but no matter how much i try to think about it, try to come to a decision, i just cant find the answer to my problem... do u know that, if it was my previous gf, i couldnt stand not meeting her for 2 days... i even want to meet everyday if possible... but now, i dont feel anything if i dont meet her... i just dont have the urge to meet up or even call her... can someone please tell me whats wrong and what should i do? i dont want to do something in which i will regret in the future, but i just dont want to drag things on anymore... suddenly, single seems so nice........................................

all of a sudden, i wish i was suffering from amnesia... then i wouldnt have to think about or remember any of these problems... but running away from the problems doesnt seem to be my way of doing things does it?

Hate

"I never knew i could hate for such a long time"

"Vengeance will carry me on"

Going Thru Some Problems

problems for me never seem to end... just when i can see the light, i see more problems appearing... been doing some thinking recently... alot of thoughts keep entering my mind, and until now i dont have the answers to my doubts...

recently, i realised that singlehood isnt as bad as it seems... i seem to want to be single now then to be attached... maybe its because im tired of relationships already... all the unhappiness, all the doubts, all the hurt that relationships cause, im just too tired... maybe its because i cant convince myself to put in my 100% into the current relationship... after 2 failed relationships in which i gave my all, i just cant afford to subject myself to get too emotionally attached, lest the pain it might bring in the future...

when i look at the people around me already starting to earn money, i just cant help but feel useless... here i am, still stuck with studying while they are earing their own pay for themselves... feel hopeless =(

Something To Ponder About

Something to ponder about:

i had a friend who once told me, there are 2 types of girls.

the first type is those who doesnt care who she ends up with as long as she knows that her partner is able to support her and give her a family. She doesnt care if she is really in love with her partner at all.

the second type is those who puts love above material needs. Even if her partner cannot afford to give her anything, or is a nobody, she just loves him for who she is.


-= i wonder if this is true =-

Reality and Dreams

Why does reality always differ so much from our dreams? is it because dreams are just what we wish things to be, and thus is not possible for them to happen? or is it because dreams are just lazy thoughts that we wish for it to happen to us? just like people say dreams are beautiful while reality is harsh... none of us want things to turn out bad for themselves, no one wants to be unhappy, so maybe thats why dreams exist... maybe its just something we can fall back on should reality be too much for us to handle... somewhere for us to hide and recover from our setbacks... how often does our dreams really come true?

the world in which our dreams lie, is so much different from the world in which reality resides in, dont u think so? i dont think the world that we so much wants to see, wants to live in, wants to be in, has wars raging on in parts of the globe, has poverty, has loved ones taken away just in the blink of an eye... there is so much more that we dream of having, but its just the opposite of whats happening in reality...

take love for an example, who in the world doesnt dream of finding the one they really love, hoping that the latter also feels the same way they feel towards him/her... how many wouldnt dream of spending the rest of their lives happily and blissfully with the ones they love... but in reality, how many couples are able to withstand the obstacles thrown at them along their journey together? how many people are able to say that she/he is the one that they want to spend the rest of their lives with... who would want to fall in love someone thinking that they were meant to be, only to separate after time when feelings start to fade and the love starts to become bland...

another example would be money... in most of our dreams, we wished that we were rich... so that we didnt have to worry about having a low standard of living, being able to buy what we need and being able to support our extravagant lifestyle, seeing that in this society now, money is almost everything... without money, u cant afford anything... u wont be able to support yourself not to say a family, u wont be able to live the luxurious life that everyone is craving for and in the end, u will end up with nothing, without love and without a purpose... but look at reality, how many poor people we have in this world... how many beggars can we see on the streets as we walk down each day, and of the beggars, how many of them are kids?

so u see, there's so much difference between reality and dreams... how can we differentiate which is reality and dreams... will our dreams come true one day? or will dreams remain forever as just...... dreams?

Loneliness

never thought i would be saying this... im feeling lonely... the past few times my parents and my sis have gone overseas without me, i have not felt lonely... maybe its because the past few times, there was someone else around to keep me company when they aint around... but now, seeing that eileen and my family are on holiday, im left alone at home... the fact that i have to do duty every alternate day isnt helping much... when i come back the next day after duty, the whole house is so empty and quiet... i used to think that i liked it alot... i have to admit as much as i like to have peace, at times i will still feel the need for someone to be with me... maybe its just like what i told jo the other time, the both of us cannot stand being alone, cannot stand being lonely... we need to have someone with us all the time... be it family, friends or even girlfriend/boyfriend... we just cant stand the feeling of being lonesome...
luckily, eileen will be back on wed, and we can keep each other company from thurs onwards since i have duty on wednesday...

曹格 - 背叛

背叛
曲：曹格
词：阿丹、邬裕康
编曲：凃惠源

雨
不停落下来
花
怎麼都不开
尽管我细心灌溉
你说不爱就不爱
我一个人
欣赏悲哀
爱
只剩下无奈
我
一直不愿再去猜
钢琴上黑键之间
永远都夹著空白
缺了一块
就不精采

紧紧相依的心如何
Say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己
完成你的期盼
把手放开不问一句
Say goodbye
当作最後一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今後都不管
只要你能愉快

心
有一句感慨
我
还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前
替我再回头看看
那些片段
还在不在

Why Do I Even Bother

why do i even bother to read it when i know that i will feel miserable after reading it... i dont know how to describe how im feeling now, lets just say it hurts alot...

*CAN THE PAIN PLEASE JUST GO AWAY*

F.I.R - 你很爱他

歌曲：你很爱他
歌手：f.i.r. 专辑：飞行部落

当你决定
你要离开我
我没有说什么
就当作你自由
有好几次
我都想忘了
苦酒也没有用
就当作是寂寞
只有我能明白
他的温柔
对你是种解脱
其实要告诉我
只是你的最爱

其实你很爱他
对我的惩罚
说你没有想他
谁可怜我吧
我也没有借口
只能放手
不敢奢求
你说爱我
其实你很爱他
他很温柔吗
其实你很想他
就说出口吧
我也不想多说
捂朵
不想再次听到
你说你很爱他

其实你很爱他
对我的惩罚
说你没有想他
谁可怜我吧
我也没有借口
只能放手
不敢奢求
你说爱我
其实你很爱他
他很温柔吗
其实你很想他
就说出口吧
我也不想多说
捂朵
不想再次听到你说
你很爱他
你很爱他

When I Think About The Past

sometimes, it feels good just sitting up in bed with the lights turned off and thinking about things... that sense of tranquility is so soothing to the mind and heart... but sometimes, when i start to think about the past, it kind of dampens the emotions...

i thought that i have completely forgotten about the past, about her, about the times we had spent together, be it happy or sad... things that should have been forgotten, resurfaced again... is it because i have been comparing the both of them, only to find that there are certain aspects that i see in yj n not in eileen? is it because certain things that i love or like can only be found in yj and not eileen? eileen would actually fit the qualities of a girlfriend im looking for. someone who is simple, who doesnt put on any make up or maybe a little, doesnt spend much... she is the direct opposite of yj... but if she is what i have always wanted, den why is it i keep comparing her to yj in terms of things that im hoping for... maybe i need some more time to get over yj completely, but i still want to be together with eileen? i know i like eileen, but i still need time to get over the previous relationship... time is something i hope that i still have... i dont want to think of the past, can i?

seems like a lot of thoughts have been going through my mind these few days...

when i was watching tv earlier, there was an advertisement on a documentary featuring ppl with different talents. this led me to think of the party that yj once attended, one that i regretted letting her go for, but oh well thats not the point... the point is that at that party she told me of all the ppl she met... even though they were ppl who held good jobs, some were very good with drawing, the others had individual talents... den when i think of myself, i just cant find something that im good at... i cant find an individual talent that im proud of myself to have... i cant draw that well, i cant sing that well, i cant do anything well at all... true, alot of ppl are saying that i can give them good advice, im always there to help them, but all these are not a talent... its just plain old me trying to do the least that i can do... i cant think of anything that i can do, that others cant, and there's nothing for me to be proud of myself... maybe im low on self-confidence at the moment... *sigh* will someone please tell me something that im good at? something that i should feel proud of myself for?

i just feel so miserable atm... i want to tell someone especially eileen everything, but who's willing to listen... is she ready to know what has happened, or am i the one whos not ready for it?

There She Goes !!!

haiz... 3weeks... thats how long she will be in france visiting her mother... how i wish she didnt have to make the trip... at first, right up till i was on my way to meet my family today for dinner, i didnt think that it was really such a big deal or that i would feel lonely without her around for 3 weeks... but when she started msging me while having dinner, did i realise that i will definitely miss her when she isnt around... i already started missing her as we msged... 3weeks, i told her is not a very long time, it will pass very quickly... i wonder if im trying to assure her or m i trying to convince myself... luckily, i will be real busy with camp stuff this month so i wont have enough time to accompany her as well... so i should prolly be thankful... i really hope she will take care of herself while she is there and that we would still be able to msg and call each other regularly...

I Really Hate It

i just cant stand the fact that ppl keep things from me, esp if its someone close to me... and of all ppl, it has to be her... haiz... its bad enough that she wants to keep things concerning me from me, and yet she has to tell me abit and not tell the rest, saying she will tell me in the future... the sms she sent are so sweet, so close, but when we are face to face, its totally different... i just cant help but be bothered by what she does... sometimes when things are so obvious, she tells me she doesnt know, but i know that at times she is just pretending... im tired of always having to take the initiative to do things... can she for once take the initiative? :(

Now Im Not So Sure

hmmz... i was playing my game yesterday night when she suddenly msged me on msn... she asked how i am, what i have been busy with and if i met any new girls... i told her i was alright and that i have been busy with camp stuff which is partly true... but i didnt wish to reply her if i have met any new girls... i dont know why but somewhere in me doesnt want to tell her that i have already found someone... is it because i still have not completely forgotten about her or is it something else which i dont know? i was so tempted to ask her how she n kelvin is getting on... i know that if i ask that, its because i still cannot let it go... wo hao bu gan xing !!! haiz... but i really want to know how she is getting on... but im in no position to care or do anything about it... if u ask me if im still worried for her and if i still care for her that much, i would say yes... maybe im still hoping that things might work out in the future... but i feel guilty cause i already have someone else with me now... haiz... such a headache...

sometimes i really dont know if she means what she says, or if she is just playing around... i just wish that she would really say what she is feeling atm instead of telling me other things... on sms, she can be open, but when we are face to face, i nv get to hear the things i want to hear... haiz... are all the girls like that? its the small little things that count...

Screw May

next month i got to do 10 duties, and its all thanks to my boss... shit boss with even more shit instructions... i dont recall anyone who is still slogging away when they are only a few months to ord... haiz... saf is so screwed up...

luckily she wont be around for most of may, cause i will be so busy that i wont have time to accompany her much... but the bad thing is that i will prolly need someone to cheer me on to endure it and she wont be around... my family will also not be around as there will be going on holiday from early may to the end as well... haiz... just as well bahx...

i dont want to tell her too much of my problems as she gets emotional very easily... just like we were having dinner just now and she started to cry... i asked her why and she told me because she saw me like quite sad but she cant do anything to help... haiz...

u know, i just wish sometimes my girlfriend would take the initiative to do certain things, but sad to say that hasnt been the case so far... maybe its because we just started, so hopefully things will get better... certain stuff need not be said, but if it isnt said out, then i dont know how the other party is suppose to know... haiz :(

1 Week Le :D

haha... we are together for 1 week already... went out quite often this week... heeX... really enjoyed the times i spent with her... but then again, i also get home quite late... haha... sianz... everyday we seem to be getting closer n closer...

but then, the constant sms is proving to be a strain on my expenses... last month's phone bill exceeded by another $30 even tho my plan is $60/mth... haiz... 1000+ sms and 300+ min of talk time... haiz... need to cut down lehx... but i feel uneasy not smsing her regularly... haiz... how how how???

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!

well... first of all... let me say that i didnt plan on letting her today, especially not asking her about it today... but it just came naturally... maybe its the mood, maybe im too impatient, thats why i did what i did today? haha... but luckily things went fine ;)

this is the first time i ever asked a girl in person... the rest were either thru sms or msn... yea... so i was kinda nervous and stuff... haha... luckily she didnt make it even more embarassing for me than i had to be... lolz...

hopefully this time it will work out just right... maybe it will help me to regain the lost faith that i have... maybe it will make me believe in things once again...

Finally Its Out

i finally kinda told her im interested in her on the way to her granny's place... well she said to see how things progress before we both make a decision again... so im kinda glad i let it out after deliberating for some time, and that she didnt reject on the spot... at least now there's a good chance i feel...

anyway... here's a recap of yesterday's events:

didnt actually have much plans for yesterday... was just waiting for seng or my camp frenz to confirm with me if going out or not... then she msged me on msn telling me that her frenz were not going to meet her, so she was kinda bored and didnt want to waste her public holiday at home... so i asked if she wanted to go out... she wanted to watch a movie so we decided to catch Meet The Robinsons at marina square at 6.40pm... we met up at 4pm... shit lor... bertram saw us at city hall station... lol... anyway we went round hunting for her new phone then had dinner at subway... she thought the footlong wasnt that big but ended up she had trouble finishing even half of it... lol... anyway the movie was good... we got the couple seat as i thought it was no difference as there was the hand support in the middle... but surprising the middle support was gone so yea... it was kinda awkward at the start but then it turned out alright... took a walk around esplanade and the merlion at fullerton there... then we went to harborfront since she wanted a place that faces the sea and has a place to seat... and since she was going to her granny's place so i thought it was a good idea... we had fun playing in the shallow pool... just taking a stroll in the water was nice... haha... we talked about alot of things... somehow she seems to be troubled but knowing her, she wouldnt tell any1... hmmz nvm bahz... hopefully she felt better after talking about other things... we wanted to look for something to eat after chatting but then everywhere was close le... harborfront really pathetic lehx... its suppose to be a tourist area but there are no 24h food centre around... grRrR... we took a slow walk to her granny's place... took a cab back from there...

i really like the feeling and atmosphere yesterday... maybe thats why i told her about how i feel bahx...

Convo

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
lol but tts not answering my qn wad

Lonezstar™ says:
huh

Lonezstar™ says:
what qn ?

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
the"do u tink girls r complicated" qn

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
haha

Lonezstar™ says:
uhm... u got ask me that qn mehX ?

Lonezstar™ says:
lol... uhm anyway

Lonezstar™ says:
ehhhh... i also dont know how to ans u lehX

Lonezstar™ says:
personally, i feel that girls can get really complicated

Lonezstar™ says:
its kinda hard to know what girls really want... but yet sometimes its obvious... lol

Lonezstar™ says:
its like say a guy is going after a girl... the guy wants to know if she is interested in him, but she
sends out mixed signals

Lonezstar™ says:
does that count ?

Lonezstar™ says:
lol

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
er ya counted

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
but depends on situation oso ma

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
i never believed tt someone's interested in me until he says so

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
coz last time i keep tinking ppl interested in me

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
hahaha

Lonezstar™says:
lol

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
then like tt very paiseh wad

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
haha we plotting sth against our fren

Lonezstar™ says:
uhm

Lonezstar™ says:
u say u dont believe that someone is interested in u unitl he says so

Lonezstar™ says:
but then again, if he tells u he interested in u, how will u react

Lonezstar™ says:
maybe he doesnt want to get rejected so fast

Lonezstar™ says:
or maybe he wants to wait until the time is ripe before tellin u?

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
errrr dunno leh

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
haha i dun hav much exp in tt

Lonezstar™ says:
lol

Lonezstar™ says:
lets just say a guy tells u that

Lonezstar™ says:
how will u let him know if u like him or dont like him

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
erm

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
see how he tell me la

Lonezstar™ says:
o.O

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
tt time my classmate is

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
he say if i noe wad he gg to say and dun wish to hear it then dun meet him at someplace

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
so i didnt go

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
haha

Lonezstar™ says:
uhm

Lonezstar™says:
so u know what he going to say lar ?

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
er ya

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
but i dun dare go also la

Lonezstar™ says:
uhm ok

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
but i was right ma

Lonezstar™ says:
then what would be a positive way

Lonezstar™ says:
lol

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
err told u i dunno le

Lonezstar™ says:
lol ok ok

-=- [ Eileen ] -=- says:
haha

uhm... uhm... i dont know...

-=Confused=-

i keep having these weird thoughts these few days...

what if one day while im walking home, and when i arrive at my block downstairs, i see her waiting there for me, telling me that it was all a mistake and she wana get back together... that it was all her fault in the beginning and she should nv have requested for the break... if that happens, what will i do?

when i think about it, i realise i dont have an answer for that... i dont know if its possible for us to get back together after all these time... i know i did make a promise to her that should she wana return, i will be there waiting... part of me wants to keep that promise to her because somewhere deep inside of me still have feelings for her and wishes that she will be back one day... but another part of me is telling myself that its not worth it, cause it might just happen again since it could happen the first time, its also telling me that i should move on and that there is someone better waiting for me somewhere...

how how how how how how how how ???

Not So Confident

hmm... im getting mixed signals regarding how u feel... true that we have been msgin each other very often, all the way till u go to bed... but somehow u still seem distant... maybe still need some time... just like what jo n hs say, i stand a good chance... but i guess it needs more time... i really enjoy talking to u, sms-ing u, going out with u... and i wish to be able to do more than that with u... but i dont know if im ready for a new relationship, or are we ready for it... khai is telling me not to let the past hold on to me, and not to let it affect my decision to go into a new relationship... haiz... hopefully we will be able to spend more time together and see where it leads us to...

So Fun :D

haha... i really enjoyed going out with her yesterday... so long i nv enjoy myself le... managed to find out more about her... i would say yesterday was quite fruitful bahX... heeX... hopefully next time will have more chance to go out together...

as usual, once we start msging, we cant stop until she or me goes to bed... lolz... so we started msging this morn all the way till now... haha... some things to ponder about...

"ya at home le, i went to a nearby cinema ma... haha, then what u wish to eat, i promise u'll get to eat it soon..."

"uhm i wish to eat abalone, sharkfin etc....... no lar, just kidding... what i actually wish is to have dinner with someone"

"lol then what am i suppose to do?"

"uhm have dinner with me?"

"haha but dont u find it inconvenient to come all the way to jurong juz for dinner?"

"no arhX... the most u come over pasir ris for dinner then i show u around or we meet somewhere in the middle, but i seriously dont mind jurong"

"haha wkdays, i cant go so far, i'll get tired, too late i also dont dare come back le"

hmm... is there a hidden meaning? i dont know :S

Sentosa Here I Come !!!

haha... finally decided on the place to go... i must admit it wasnt easy to decide since she got so much preferences... lol... but yea... we decided on Sentosa... roughly roughly i know where to go and what to do tml... lets just hope everything turns out well ;)

will post pictures if there is when i get back so im off to bed now otherwise i wont be able to wake up on time tml =pPp

YAY !!! =X

hahaha... i finally made it =pPp i realise today would be one week since we knew each other... and we have been sms-ing each other so much... everyday without fail we are sure to msg each other, tho im the one who always starts the conversation going... but then she will nv fail to reply my sms or ask me stuff... haha... we will always msg till she goes to bed... finally, she agreed to go out with me on sat... even though she has to be back by 5pm cause of family commitments, i still think its good enough... just need to change some of my plans ;)

hopefully everything will go well on that day... ahahaha...

=D and =(

im happy because besides msging her today, we talked on the phone... haha... although it wasnt a long one because she wanted to watch DanceFloor, at least we started talking on the phone... haha... hopefully she will be willing to go out on sat... *pRayS*

im unhappy because SHE MSGED ME ON MSN AND I WAS AWAY DOING OTHER STUFF !!! and i didnt see it till its too late... arghX... i missed talking to her on msn... haiz... hopefully there will be other chances... haiz...

Msg Count Is Up =pPp

haha... i think i have been using alot of sms this past few days since fri night... lol... think got at least 100 in 4days... haha... but i think its alright lar... worth it i hope... anyway, we spent another day sms-ing each other again... i called her in the noon but then she was working so wasnt convenient to talk so yea, we put down after a few sentences :( ... anyway i will find another chance to call her again... haiz... dont know if i should ask her out this weekend or not lehX... feel like asking n feel like its about time, but then i scared fail again... sianz... she told me that horoscope is very accurate especially about a person's character and personality... sotong also seems to think so... cant find a decent webbie that says about it lehX... maybe will go bookstall and find... good thing about today is that i got her msn le =D *YiPpIe* haha... hopefully things will move on a little faster... may n may not ask her on thurs... see how first bahX...

Another Interesting Convo

"haha... my fren put me aeroplane today... so now stuck with nowhere to go for dinner le..."

"lol... where u suppose to go initially? go home la, haha..."

"lol... suppose to meet my fren go bugis get some stuff and dinner but now cancel le... so i have nowhere to go unless someone ask me out for dinner..."

"haha... u giving me hints izzit?"

"lol... actually it nv crossed my mind, but since u said it, thats not a bad idea after all... haha..."

"lol i not free la, i teaching tuition later, so u should go home... haha..."

"hmm... maybe i really should go on diet instead =X"

"haha... ya... go on diet dont eat..."

"lol... ur the first person to support me when i say go on diet... other ppl keep telling me to eat and eat and eat... heeX..."

"ya they were right to tell u to eat more... im supposed to be the one going on diet leh but i cant control... haha..."

"lol... ur the skinny one so cannot go diet... must eat more... =pPp"

"no lar, where got skinny, its only an illusion, haha, i only look thin... so have u decided where to eat?"

"haha... tot u ask me go on diet le?"

"i joking one lar... guys must eat otherwise got no energy... if scared fat den can go exercise mahX..."

"lol... y do i feel as if someone is dropping hints for me to join her for dinner... lol..."

"well actually, i have no company for dinner as well... haha but im rushing for tuition so im eating at my student's house..."

**continues..........................

its been fun sms-ing her... hopefully we can move on to phone conversations soon bahx... hmmz... one step at a time ;)

I Wont Fail Again !!!

finally decided to ask if she wanted to go catch a movie today... but i decided to sms instead of call... haha...

"well i got 1 free movie tix gona expire, so tot of asking u if u wana go catch a movie today"

"haha... i got 2 free movie tix but today i going my grandma house in the evening"

"haha... take it as an excuse to ask u out lorx..."

"uhm... to tell u the truth, i dont believe in relationships based on appearance, so i think u should change ur target..."

"uh... i also dont believe in that... i see u only as a fren and not someone im going after... so dont get the wrong idea ;) "

"ohh really !!! heeX... thats good cause i got frenz who suffered because of that.........................."


ok... so i failed on my first attempt... but I WONT FAIL ANOTHER TIME !!! at first i was scared that she would be frightened but then after i said that i see her as a fren, she was relieved and everything was back to normal... haha... we have been sms-ing each other since 12pm... i wonder if it will last till we go to slp... i think this is a good sign that things are ok and there might be a chance bahX... just got to take things slowly ;) soon bahX... soon will ask her out again when i got the confidence she will agree... actually i think im glad that i asked her out yesterday even though it failed and she almost got the wrong idea cause that allowed me to see her better as a person...

Second Night Running

hmm i was like thinking how how how... should i msg now or tonight or tml ??? what should i msg ??? haha... i finally msged at night on the way to grandlink with seng... heeX... we msged all the way till she went to bed... was fun lar... only thing was that when i asked for her msn, she said she have but seldom online so i didnt press on for it... now i have to think about something else first...

i think yesterday was the happiest that i have been comapred to the past few times i went out with cyn and co... i felt different... not as tied down as before... maybe i finally managed to turn my focus somewhere else... somewhere that is happier than brood over old stuff...

Suprised but Glad =)

if u ask me, i still cant believe it happen, but yea it did happen... it was my first time doing it so i was a kinda scared but at least its over and it did reap rewards... hopefully this is only the first step in it, and will move on to better things ;)

thnX man =X

I FEEL SO F***** UP !!!

dont know why but.......

I FEEL SO F***** UP !!!

haiz... another of my mood swing again...

光良-记得我爱你

歌曲：记得我爱你
歌手：光良 专辑：童话

恋人们等星星老
我爱你天荒地老
能不能停在这一秒
多希望爱不乱跑
爱一生中不多不少
会有一次不得了
其实没人比我知道
你就是我的不能不要
记得我爱你好不好
记得心最暖的拥抱
如果有一天你过的糟糕
当你悲伤记得
有我靠有些爱最后才明了
有些爱一生遇不到
不管谁最后陪着你到老
记得有我曾爱你这么牢
不变的心跳

如果黑夜太难熬
我陪你日夜颠倒
爱一场该付出多少
因为你我不计较
人一生能浪漫几秒
抱着你我就知道
其实我不怕你走掉
如果已拥有这么多美好

有些爱最后才明了
有些人走了找不到
不管谁最后陪着你到老
记得有我
曾爱你这么牢
不变的心跳
我的心跳
我的心跳

A Promise

this is a promise i made to myself today...

"I WILL GET BACK WHAT IS MINE ONE DAY"

Lalalalalala

the medical doctor i went to today diagnosed that i have frozen shoulder... just great... another major headache for me... haiz... keep it coming -.-" my dad has it so i should know what it is about... lalala...

Description
Frozen shoulder (adhesive capsulitis) is a disorder characterized by pain and loss of motion or stiffness in the shoulder. It affects about two percent of the general population. It is more common in women between the ages of 40 years to 70 years old. The causes of frozen shoulder are not fully understood. The process involves thickening and contracture of the capsule surrounding the shoulder joint. A doctor can diagnose frozen shoulder based on the history of the patient's symptoms and physical examination. X-rays or MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) studies are sometimes used to rule out other causes of shoulder stiffness and pain, such as rotator cuff tear.

weeeeeeeeeeee... the doc referred me to a specialist at mmi... not sure where but i heard is at NUS there... the medic was suppose to call me by the end of today to let me know of the appointment date and time... but apparently either he forgot or he didnt bother to let me know... so now im at a loss... haiz...

Lost

Im at a lost right now... i dont know who i am at the moment... and i dont know what im doing... i tot all this time i have started to forget about her or at least not think so much about her... but when i see how well she is leading her life atm... how she is enjoying life atm, i cant help but think of how things would have been...

the past few nights i felt so irritated and frustrated... i dont know what was the cause of it... but i can only remember that u were always there to calm me down, to listen to me in the past... but now, i cant even hear ur voice anymore...

when i had problems in camp, u were always there to give me advice on what to do... i really miss those days...

u were my motivation in the past, regardless of what i did... i just had to think of you, and i will have all the motivation i need to complete the tasks no matter how hard it was... but now, when i wana look for a motivation, i cant think of any... i just feel like giving up... i really do...

*anyway its gona rain tonight, i hope u got ur blanket on, cause u always nv bother to cover urself*

5566 - 存在

歌曲：存在
歌手：5566 专辑：西街少年电视原声带

你说着我听着像海浪打着沙滩烧着
你的忧伤大于快乐连彩虹都只剩下一种颜色
我听着你说着像刀子划的隐隐痛着
就因为爱没有规则所以心痛了死了回不去了
但是我存在着我一直存在着
和你一起的照片仍在我的手机上贴着
爱会永远永远你说的
离开我的时候却没舍不得
我真的存在着我一直存在着
不管是疯的气的我受着我紧紧手握着
傻傻的陪着守着证明你值得
但我会笑着因为一切都值得
你说着我听着像海浪打着沙滩烧着
你的忧伤大于快乐连彩虹都只剩下一种颜色
我听着你说着像刀子划的隐隐痛着
就因为爱没有规则所以心痛了死了回不去了
但是我存在着我一直存在着
和你一起的照片仍在我的手机上贴着
爱会永远永远你说的
离开我的时候却没舍不得
我真的存在着我一直存在着
不管是疯的气的我受着我紧紧手握着
傻傻的陪着守着证明你值得
但我会笑着因为一切都值得
我真的存在着我一直存在着
和你一起的照片仍在我的手机上贴着
爱会永远永远你说的
离开我的时候却没舍不得
我真的存在着我一直存在着
不管是疯的气的我受着我紧紧手握着
傻傻的陪着守着证明你值得
但我会笑着因为一切都值得

Will I Come Out Stronger ???

i realised that ever since i broke up, bad luck has been hounding me at my doorstep... so far i have not given in to despair yet... but im not sure how much longer i can hold on... things seem to be getting worse each day... im faced with uncertainty... even things that i used to be confident of are now things that im not so sure of anymore...

take today for example, i got scolded by my mum for not helping to carry stuff they bought when they went shopping... harlo ??? i cant carry heavy stuff remember ??? i even got problems lifting my arm so how m i suppose to carry them... my mum also said that im treating the house as a hotel since im not making any contribution to it when i told my dad i got problem washing the dishes should he volunteer to cook dinner... in the end, i didnt even have dinner to eat -.-

there's a limit to how much each person can take... mine is almost at the limit... i dont know how much more i can take it... unless my world changes, i doubt it will last for long... im just living each day as it is... taking things one step at a time, hopefully time will heal all wounds...

should i one day be able to walk out of this nightmare, will i be stronger that i originally was... will that make me a changed man? at this point of time, nothing is for certain... will i attempt to walk out alone or will i be supported... thats another uncertainty as well...

I Miss Her

dreamt of u twice last night... beautiful dreams of the both of us... but then again it was just a dream... when i woke up, how i wished u were just beside me... i really do...

i cant find any reason to hate u or be angry with u for whatever it is... i just find myself still missing you everyday... somewhere deep down, u still live...

everyone is telling me to let go of u, saying u aint worth it, but i know u are... i wana let go but plz teach me how...

while looking thru the photos we took during our time together, memories started to float into my mind... how i missed those days we had... cant help but think of you...

Its Been One Month

yep... exactly one month has passed since we broke up... time seems to fly so fast... in these past month, i still think of you everyday... i missed all the things that we used to do and all the times we spent together... our laughter and quarrels... really wished i could have turned back time so that i can hold u in my arms again...

im glad and happy for you that u have moved on with your life and found someone better than me to take care of you... dont ever be like me... im just a failure when it comes to love... maybe im destined to be alone...

just watched finished a serial drama with my parents... whats the story about is not important... the important part was that the leading actress and the leading actor resembled our situation... they came from different family backgrounds and values in life... realising this, she decided to break up with the guy, and no matter how hard the guy tries to convince her that they can overcome the problems n barriers between them, she still chose to break up with him because she didnt want to wait for a few years only to find that they are unsuitable for each other and regret the decision she made... the only difference between them n us is that at the end of the show, they decided to give it a try to overcome, not like us... u chose to give it up n no matter what i do or promise just didnt change the fact that we broke up...

maybe u are right... who knows what will happen in a few years time when we both grow older... maybe we will miss one another again then... maybe we might get back together again... im just deceiving myself right now... i know its almost impossible, but let me keep that bit of hope... i still remember what i said to u the night we broke up... i hope u remember cause thats a promise i will keep... the key will be the proof... it will be our promise...

atm, im just putting on a pretence... i dont want u to worry about me... cause i dont need ur sympathy... n i dont want ur kindness... and most of all i dont want to destroy the friendship that we have now... forgive me for being unable to let u go... forgive me for loving u too deeply to let u go so easily... im broken up inside, but u wont get to see the tears i cry... cause its just me now...

So Much To Say n Think About

there's so much that i wana say and so much things to think about that i dont feel like posting it now... maybe next time i will but at the moment lets just leave it as it is...

芮恩 - 是谁

歌曲：是谁
歌手：芮恩 专辑：芮恩ruien同名专辑

作词:方文山
作曲:林迈可

这场雪隔着橱窗了解
玻璃外面的你在另一个世界
这条街握着温热咖啡
想起有些事永远没办法解决
我用那轻描淡写
一笔一划的彩绘

形容感情上濒临的决裂还有心碎
问你对方是谁
你闭上嘴沉默以对
我眼睛泛着泪
对方是谁应该很美
我有点累祝福你有她陪

那绿叶不懂凋谢的季节
我却清楚你要分手前的差别
那夏夜不懂得满天风雪
我也不懂你说的永远是哪些